Reactions

This is inspired by the SDI safe space workbook.

If someone comes out to you

Do:

  • Thank them for trusting you.
  • Ask if they are out to others or if it is ok to use their identifier in other settings.

Don’t:

  • Say “I couldn’t tell!” or “I don’t care about those things!” “duh!” or “I knew it!”
  • Out them to others
  • Ask invasive questions (did you have the surgery? Are you a top or a bottom? Do you have any STDs/STIs?”

Why?

It takes a lot of courage and trust to come out to someone. Taking it for granted or dismissing it may be hurtful.

When you introduce yourself to people

Do:

  • Share your pronouns
  • Let people know what name/nickname you would like to be called by and invite everyone to do the same.

Don’t:

  • Require people to share their pronouns
  • Call people out if they don’t share too much information

Why?

As stated above, coming out is not easy. Some people may not feel comfortable opening up to a group of strangers.

What about when someone uses a term you don’t know or don’t understand what they mean?

Do:

  • Be honest and let them know that you are not familiar with the terminology
  • Ask if they are comfortable sharing more information to help educate you

Don’t:

  • Say that you “think” they mean something else (like a term you may not familiar with)
  • Assume they are happy to tell you everything about themselves

Why?

Like we saw with the terminology, there are several terms out there and some people may prefer certain identifiers over others.

Remember that it is your job to educate yourself.

If you meet someone new who does not seem to follow “social norms” or your expectations of their appearance

Do:

  • Introduce yourself using your pronouns if you are comfortable
  • Treat them like you would any other person.
  • Create an environment where they can feel comfortable
  • Feel free to compliment them on their style in a genuine way

Don’t:

  • Directly ask “what are you?”
  • Expect them to open up about their identity
  • “drop hints” or ”put a bait” to see if they will share their identities.

Why?

You would not open up about every identity you possess to a complete stranger. It takes time and trust for us to truly open up and share who we are with others.

Purposefully “baiting” people to push them to share information is inconsiderate and rude.

Coming out

People will come out for various reasons: it could be that they want to introduce their partner, it could be they are wanting to join the dating scene, it could be because they want to live life as their true self, it could be they are exploring  an aspect of their identity, or it could just be to declare “This is who I am!”  

When you think of coming out, you may think of gathering up all your friends and family and telling them about your gender identity and/or sexual orientation all at once. While that is a possible way to do it, that doesn’t have to be the case. You can come out to some friends but not others.  Unfortunately, coming out is a process, not a one time event.  You will meet new people and make new friends and may want to come out to them. Or you learn more about yourself as you get older, and want to tell people a new label you use.  

Here are some suggestions of ways to come out, and how to prepare yourself:  

Come out using social media, text or email. This gives people a chance for any initial shock to wear off and helps them think about how to respond. With social media, you may want to tell a few close friends first so they can respond positively and set an example for others. The only downside of using social media is that the algorithms may make it so some of your friends don’t even see your post.  

Coming out in conversation: If you aren’t sure of how the person will react to you coming out, ask what they think about a celebrity who has come out, or their opinion on marriage equality. The person you come out to may ask questions – know that you don’t have to know all the answers to their questions, and you don’t owe them any information you don’t feel comfortable telling them.   

It’s best to  start by coming out to someone you think will be supportive so you can have someone to help you if coming out to others doesn’t go as you would like it to.  

Timing: It is not advisable to come out right before going on a long car trip or big meal, do it at a time where you can leave if things turn ugly. 

If you decide to come out to people you know who will be unsupportive: prepare your mental state, have supportive friends who will be available to help you afterwards, and have an exit plan. Practice what you want to say ahead of time. If you want to still be in contact with this person, avoid saying things in an emotional state. Even if they are hurtful towards you, it will be harder to repair the relationship if you are hurtful in response.  

Myths and Misconceptions

Below are some common myths and misconceptions, and how you can combat them. Sometimes people will say these things simply because they don’t understand, sometimes they say them out of hatred. It is important to keep a cool head when someone says something hateful. Focus on the facts and don’t let your personal feelings to get involved. And if you can’t deal with the person, it is ok to leave and continue the conversation at a later time.

Pedophilia: some people will use the slippery slope fallacy to conflate allowing queer people to have relationships with allowing pedophiles to have relationships with children. Point out that the difference is the ability to consent. Honestly, the private lives of two consenting adults is no one else’s business.  

Trans people in sports: The argument is often that “trans women would be stronger and bigger and thus have an unfair advantage in sports.” This neglects that fact that Estrogen is going to affect how the muscle is repaired and regrown, and fat distribution . The ACLU has an article talking about this issue.

Trauma: The argument goes something like “Oh she’s lesbian because she was sexually assaulted by a man” While trauma can influence someone’s sexual orientation, this argument implies that all queer people are queer because of trauma. This is just not true, as there are people who are queer who have not suffered any traumatic event.

It’s just a choice: This is scientifically proven to be false. Think about your favorite ice cream flavor – you didn’t choose to like that flavor, did you? Take it a step further, what if every other flavor just tasted like sand to you? You wouldn’t be able to choose to like a different flavor, even if you tried. You’d be pretty sad if you can’t eat your favorite ice cream, right? But instead of ice cream, we are talking about something more core to our existence – sexual orientation and gender identity. Queer people do not choose to be queer, and not having the freedom to be themselves can be devastating to the point of suicide for some. One scary fact is suicide statistics which can be found online. When queer people feel like they can be themselves in society these numbers are lower, showing that the solution is to let queer people be queer.

It’s just a phase: some people’s sexual orientation changes over time, and if someone’s gender identity changes a lot, that called genderfluid. It is harmful to assume that after some time they will change to cisgender, straight, and allosexual and then stay that way. Children and teens may want to explore their identity, instead of treating it like “oh they will grow out of it” they should be allowed to be themselves. In general, an adult who comes out to you as queer will not just stop being queer after some time. Because queer people often are more aware of that aspect of their identity, they can be more aware of small changes over time. Someone might gradually shift from gay to bisexual in 20 years, which is certainly to long for it to be “just a phase”.

It’s just a trend: The awareness of transgender people is growing, and as a result, more people are coming out. Historically, gay and trans people have existed as long as humans have. Here is an article that gives a few examples of people in history who weren’t in the gender binary.

It’s just a mental illness: This is an argument that is very telling of how society has had a history of treating people with mental illness as less then human. This view is detrimental both to society and to people who have mental illness. Learn and talk about mental health, normalize seeking out therapy, these are steps one can take to defeat the idea the mental illness is bad.

The history of mental health providers is not great, and homosexuality used to be in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) handbook. However, this was before homosexuality was understood to be normal. While gender dysphoria is still in the DSM, the treatment for it is for the person to transition. As transgender people are more normalized by society, gender dysphoria will probably be removed from the DSM. Note that being transgender is not a mental illness! Instead the DSM writes about the dysphoria from the disconnect between their body and their brain that causes people to not be able to function at their desired capacity. Being queer is not a mental illnes!

Unnatural: For sexuality: here is a list of animals that display homosexual or bisexual behaviors.

For gender identity:  While other animals don’t have gender identity in the same way we hairless apes  do, there are lots of examples of animals that break the idea of  the strict binary: the author’s favorite example is Nudibranchs (sea slugs), which are hermaphrodites and have both female and male reproductive organs, and will stab each other in the head during their mating ritual.  Here is an article that gives some more details on other examples.

Any biology book that is worth the money you spend on it will recognize that biological sex is not the same as gender identity.  Gender identity comes from the brain. Recent studies show that brains can experience ‘at least’ 9 different gender expressions.

Chromosomes:  Some animals don’t even have the same the same sex chromosomes as humans. Some animals their sex is determined by if they developed in a cool or warm environment.

And for humans, there isn’t even a chromosomal binary, people could have X, Y, XXX, XXY or XXXX chromosomes (see Intersex). Furthermore, it is not likely society is going to test people’s chromosomes to determine what their gender is.

Religious: Strategy one: Focus on the teaching of Jesus – Jesus taught love, and loving someone would be allowing them to pursue  consensual relationships that they want to , using their preferred name and pronouns.  

Strategy 2: talk about the Bible – People will often cite scripture that is in the Old Testament, so you can talk about how Jesus said “I’m making a new covenant” and that passage in the Old Testament is in the same area of the Bible as the one about not wearing mixed fabrics and how they probably have a shirt with mixed fabrics (Polyester for example). As for the verses in the New Testament, they are often taken out of context or the translation of the words is a topic of debate. See this website for a break down of all the verses in the Bible that mention homosexuality.

Dangerous: As the auther of this post has not encountered this one, their response would be to ask the person to give specific examples, and return with counter examples. Yes queer people may do something bad sometimes, but not because they are queer. You can find an example of anyone from any group of people doing something bad.

“Kids need a mom and a dad” Ask them about single parent households – are they bad parents for not having a partner? What about kids who are living with a grandparent or other relative? What about foster homes?  Here is a study that shows that kids who were raise in a queer home turned out fine.

“gay agenda” Yes there is a queer agenda – it’s called just being our truest selves and living our best lives.

“I identify as an attack helicopter” This is often used by people to mock the fact that the terminology for queer identities is growing. If someone were to say “I identify as an attack helicopter” take them seriously, ask their pronouns, use the terminology they ask for. They will probably be shocked and quiet down.  If they complain about the number of gender identities there are, compare it with wine (or something). When someone comes up with a new way to describe wine, they are celebrated. How much more we should celebrate someone coming up with a new way to describe gender identity!  Also the author doesn’t even know all the terms that are in existence and if they were to encounter a new term, they would respectfully ask “What does that mean?”  So tell others that they don’t have to know all the terms, just being open minded and respectful is all that is needed to be an ally.  

Purposefully misgendering/deadnaming people. Turn it on them – say “if I called you some different name, or used the wrong pronoun for you, how would you feel?” and try to get them to understand why they should call people by the names they want to be called, and the correct pronouns.  

Bathrooms: The argument is that if we let trans people use the restroom they feel most comfortable using then they or people who are not trans will act in a predatory way. A vast majority of trans people are not predators (as far as the author is aware, there are no cases of a trans person being a predator) and are more likely to be the target of violence then cis people. To further combat this argument, if someone is a predator, is a sign on the door going to stop them from going into the restroom to attack people? Not likely. We all need to pee at some point, does it really matter what the sign on the door is? If they are so concerned about predators in their restrooms, tell them “don’t use public restrooms!”